I had planned on blogging about a round up of my year today, but what is it that they say about the best laid plans of mice and men?
All through the Christmas season I've kept myself busy, given myself no time to think, after all if I didn't stop too long to think I'd get through this Christmas ok wouldn't I? And it worked - well it certaintly seemed to, when the dreaded day dawned I had my darling graddaughter to watch open her presents and then spent a happy morning pottering in the kitchen making the Christmas meal while her mam and granddad played along happily with her. The only slight blip was when I took daughter and granddaughter home, and my daughter saw the tears beginning to well, hugged me and said "now come on mam, you've done really well this year, don't start crying now." so I didn't. Boxing day dawned and I'd done it! I'd got through a Christmas day without becoming a crying crumbling wreck. You see it was four years to the day that my dad passed away in the early hours of Christmas morning and though it was not unexpected, and was in many ways a relief as he had been in so much pain, I've always been a daddy's girl and it hit me hard.
So Christmas is difficult - but this year I'd got it cracked!
Standing at the kitchen sink this morning washing the dishes the floodgates opened and I just sobbed. No idea what brought it on, but you know what? I think I needed it. I'd bottled everything up, so that everyone else could have a nice calm Christmas but hadn't thought that I need to acknowledge my sadness on this day. So what have I learned? It's ok to acknowledge the sadness I feel on Christmas day and while it needn't dominate the day and spoil it for everyone else maybe in the future I need to build in a little time to allow myself to grieve.
My mam and dad on their wedding day.
Which in a way brings me on to the subject of new year resolutions. I recently read this post by Pamela over at Magical Meadows about changing the approach to resolutions and choosing a word to encapsulate what you want to achieve.
My word for 2011 is going to be ...
I realise now that part of my problem on Christmas day was that I didn't allow myself the freedom to express what I needed to and it is so often a fear of letting others down or finding reasons why I can't do or achieve what i really want that often holds me back , so I'm giving myself the freedom to do and be what I want to be. I'm giving myself the freedom to work towards the simpler life I keep dreaming of and ultimately gain the freedom from the rat race and consumerism that I have come to feel holds me back.
I'm sorry for the somewhat downbeat theme of this post, but I needed to make a start and give myself the freedom to express how I have felt today and then have the freedom to move on.
Wishing you all the freedom to achieve your dreams in 2011.