I had planned on blogging about a round up of my year today, but what is it that they say about the best laid plans of mice and men?
All through the Christmas season I've kept myself busy, given myself no time to think, after all if I didn't stop too long to think I'd get through this Christmas ok wouldn't I? And it worked - well it certaintly seemed to, when the dreaded day dawned I had my darling graddaughter to watch open her presents and then spent a happy morning pottering in the kitchen making the Christmas meal while her mam and granddad played along happily with her. The only slight blip was when I took daughter and granddaughter home, and my daughter saw the tears beginning to well, hugged me and said "now come on mam, you've done really well this year, don't start crying now." so I didn't. Boxing day dawned and I'd done it! I'd got through a Christmas day without becoming a crying crumbling wreck. You see it was four years to the day that my dad passed away in the early hours of Christmas morning and though it was not unexpected, and was in many ways a relief as he had been in so much pain, I've always been a daddy's girl and it hit me hard.
So Christmas is difficult - but this year I'd got it cracked!
Till today.
Standing at the kitchen sink this morning washing the dishes the floodgates opened and I just sobbed. No idea what brought it on, but you know what? I think I needed it. I'd bottled everything up, so that everyone else could have a nice calm Christmas but hadn't thought that I need to acknowledge my sadness on this day. So what have I learned? It's ok to acknowledge the sadness I feel on Christmas day and while it needn't dominate the day and spoil it for everyone else maybe in the future I need to build in a little time to allow myself to grieve.
My mam and dad on their wedding day.
Which in a way brings me on to the subject of new year resolutions. I recently read this post by Pamela over at Magical Meadows about changing the approach to resolutions and choosing a word to encapsulate what you want to achieve.
My word for 2011 is going to be ...
Freedom
I realise now that part of my problem on Christmas day was that I didn't allow myself the freedom to express what I needed to and it is so often a fear of letting others down or finding reasons why I can't do or achieve what i really want that often holds me back , so I'm giving myself the freedom to do and be what I want to be. I'm giving myself the freedom to work towards the simpler life I keep dreaming of and ultimately gain the freedom from the rat race and consumerism that I have come to feel holds me back.
I'm sorry for the somewhat downbeat theme of this post, but I needed to make a start and give myself the freedom to express how I have felt today and then have the freedom to move on.
Wishing you all the freedom to achieve your dreams in 2011.
xxx
I don't feel this is a downbeat post at all, I think that you have said everything I would recommend, give yourself time and allow yourself to grieve. Perhaps you could find a little ritual that is just yours on Chrismas day where you can have half an hour with your thoughts and get it all out to allow you to tackle the rest of the day? I think your post is really positive and forward looking; Freedom is a great word to live by this year or any year.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you honey
Kandi x
I was just going to respond that it wasn't a downbeat post - and then saw Kandi has said almost exactly my thoughts. Your positive approach will get you to another place on the grieving and coping journey. Losing a loved one is very hard and made especially cruel at christmas or another special date. I've found that after the first five years things do become more manageable. And here's to you finding freedom - cheers;)
ReplyDeletelove and hugs
xxxxx
Hi - massive hugs to you, I don't do Christmas as it's so upsetting, it brings back dreadful memories and if I underplay it, ignore it and do it the way I'm comfortable, then it's bearable - I'm sure you'll find your way - your freedom xx froogs xx
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year, my dear! I thought your post was beautifully written and heartwarming and not downbeat in the slightest. You've given your family a fabulous Christmas and noone minds your need to reflect on the loss of those loved ones no onger with us. I'm sure things will get better through time. xxx
ReplyDeleteSending you love and fondest wishes! Have a Wonderful New Year and cherish all the great memories from past years! love Annie x
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kandi, Pamela and Vix, I think it's a positive post as you've realised there's some things you need to do for you and your working towards them x
ReplyDeleteI too think this is a lovely thoughtful post, very positive and honest. I agree, a little ritual on Christmas day would be perfect. Take care.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year and I echo everyones comments that it was a downbeat post, it was positive and thoughful and if we can't be that in our bloggy world then where can we be!
ReplyDeleteAll the best,
Victoria xx
What a beautiful post! It's not at all downbeat, quite the opposite! Take care, Lynda xxx
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year and as the others have said, it's not a downbeat post, you need to have time to grieve and you still managed to give your family a lovely Christmas at the same time. x
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year and what a great word to pick! Don't apologise for your post, you are after all working with your new word 'freedom', you wanted to write this and you did and we have loved reading it :-) x
ReplyDeleteI think you are an inspiration, not only do you give your family a wonderful life but you are also a truly kind and lovely person.
ReplyDeleteThe photograph of your Mum and Dad on there wedding day is beautiful, I am sorry to hear about the sadness, but I am sure your Dad is looking down proud on you xx
It's not a downbeat post at all! Yes, it brought a tear to my eye but that's not a bad thing, it just reflects how much you love your dad. And you should remember that, even if it means a bit of grief on Christmas Day, rather than having to bottle it up for the sake of everyone else.
ReplyDeleteI very much like your approach to 2011. Freedom is a wonderful, positive thing to aim for.